The U.S. military has started court-martialing women for getting pregnant. Military types assure the world that this policy is completely fair: men are also getting court-martialed for doing the impregnating, and besides, the policy only applies in cases where women get pregnant as a result of consensual sex.

So, you know, handled! No thorny issues here!

I am so glad that the military, unlike every other institution and individual ON EARTH, has flawless knowledge of who in their ranks has been sexually assaulted. (This omniscience, as everyone knows, has led to rape being incredibly rare in the military. It happens almost never. FACT.)

And I’m so happy that men, as well as women, are being denied their reproductive rights. When I say “equality,” that’s definitely what I’m going for. Granted, as Stars and fucking Stripes pointed out, “The woman is immediately suspect once the pregnancy comes to light, but unless she identifies her partner, the male could go unpunished despite bearing the same culpability under the order,” but I think that’s a minor hypothetical issue, and we can basically just cross that bridge when we come to it. IF WE EVER DO. Come on, guys; let’s be real.

Finally, you might be worried about oversight, but have no fear! Major General Anthony Cucolo, who conceived (without a uterus—ha ha!) of this glittering new policy, told ThinkProgress the following: “To ensure a consistent and measured approach in applying this policy, I am the only individual who passes judgment on these cases.” For me, the hallmark of a fair review process is centralizing all power with one single human being. WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG.